What would you do if I sang out a tune

Today I’m pretty upset.

Today I’m pretty upset I could cry. I think I am. Wide rimmed glasses have small mercies.

I have realised a few things and it hurts.

Some things have come to light that I really wish should have stayed in the dark.

It’s back to the good old circle of friends groan.
I simply don’t have any.
It’s down to no ones fault (I think).
Just down to simple evolution.

Well let’s just narrow this down. My core group of friends. Fuck it I can name them. None of them know the address for this site. They are never going to find it. They don’t even know me as Pepper anyway. I like it that way.
Banjo
Gav
Mark
Jamie

Friends that I had before I moved into Edinburgh. Some are better than others. The friends who you could call day or night when you needed them. Turn about for returning calls/texts/emails was about a 2 days at most. Lucky if I get a reply in a week now.

Now things are not quite as simple. I know people move on. People get hitched or seriously involved with another half. Take up mortgages. Just progress and move on. Fuck we all gotta do that!

Its just I feel I’m the one being left behind. Behind in the sense I’m being forgotten. My life has changed too. Fucking big style on so many ways and levels. But they don’t know that. They don’t ask.

Rant and rave how great their lives are. Mine sucks without my friends.

I don’t get invited to the little dinner parties that they throw – It’s a couple’s club and I don’t have one. ‘Oh we invited Jamie & Pam and Steve & Laura’

No replies from Birthday wishes via email

When people come into Edinburgh for gigs from out with town, there is never a thought to maybe meet up for a few drinks just since they are in town and the fact I had not seen them since October (Jamie)

I tried hard with one of them. Jamie. The guy who messed with my head so much. The one who hurt me the most. The guy that I put in that temple on the Sunday night. I vowed never to worry about him and think about the hurt. It worked. It felt good.

But I saw him again. I held the olive branch and broke the year long silence between us and being ignored in front of all my other friends. We hugged and made up. The only difference between now and a year ago is I don’t dread knowing he will be on a night out. Still the same amount of contact between us – none.

Maybe I’m not as important in their life as I used to be. Or maybe I’m just conscious that when my life moves forward and changes. I don’t leave the people who has been a part of it up to then out. They don’t have a use by date.

I put a thread on our drinking site forum to see if anyone fancied Beltane. But to be honest I don’t even want to go with them now. Why should I add to their all ready full and happy life with more exciting things when I never get invited to theirs?

I’m just lonely. More lonely than I ever have been in my life. But on a contradiction my life is full of people I love. Care about. Cherish and protect. I’m busy existing in a lifestyle I never thought I could be a part of and it warms my soul.

A simple solution is screaming through these angered, heartfelt words. Get new friends.

Trust me I’m trying. I’m trying because my sanity relies on it. Its only me who feels my hands tremble. My foot twitch and my heart beat in my chest like its going to explode and being self conscious of every single worthless word that comes from my mouth. I should have carried on taking those god damn pills.

Maybe I’m jealous. That’s an easy explanation. I happy for what they all have. I’m just sorry they pushed me to the side. I always thought I was a pretty good friend.

I always carried that little candle. Not taking anything to heart. Still hoping that people will reply to my texts. Maybe invite me to that gig. Just send me that wee text to see how I’m doing.

Fuck it. Fuck all of you. It’s a hard realisation that things do change. People do move on and some things get left behind.

I’m giving up.

So stop fucking crying and deal with it.