Audial Pleasure 7

Song - Proof
Artist - I am Kloot

Instant pick-me-up

Ya fucking dancer!

So the only sport I have a remote interest in is rugby. Brought up with football but living in the borders all my chums played rugby.

Scotland is never really famous for sporting events. Possibly pub sports like darts...

But we just beat the English in the 6 nations. for the last 5 minutes I couldnt watch and I was screaming like a woman possesed at the TV. Thanks to my flat mate who let me watch his TV as he was at the game

Nothing against the English but in sporting events, as the saying goes:

'As long as you beat the English!'

I'm away out to celebrate and laugh and point at all the cocky English that have taken over our capital city.

WOOOHOOOO!

Saturdays Song

Take me down to where you hide
Lay me down, lay me down inside
What use now, hold back this pacific tide

Tijuana lady where did you go
I been chasin’ you around old mehico
Gonna find my way back to san diego

Baby where’d you hide
Take me down to where you hide
*play me around, leave me all your sadness
Make no sound, cos I know you’ll lie

Tijuana lady, let’s take it slow
I know that I’m no head honcho
I’ll keep you warm in my silky poncho

Tijuana lady where did you go
I heard you lost a last sombrero
Tijuana lady which way d’you flow

*I’m a el mariachi desparado [the film desparado is a remake of the film el mariachi, both by robert rodriguez. any connection? ]

Where’d you hide
Tell me where’d you hide

*enchilada desparado days
Senorita come back and meet me again
Buona vista, senorita, yeah
I love you so come back, be with me again

In the mass of my music I forgot I had a live version of this.
It is beautiful.
I did shead a tear.
While wearing a silly grin.

Song - Tijuana Lady
Artist - Gomez

One Hundred

Last night I watched a cool kung foo film with my flat mate and his mates and drank Morgans. I decided I have to stop being a pussy and drink it straight. I actually quite enjoyed it.

It brought on a comforting drunk.

Random memories came flooding back. Which I was determined to remember in the morning.
And I did.

Two things that I forgot:

On my 18th birthday I recieved a perfect present from and aunt and uncle, a bottle of champagne and twister. What a brilliant combination.

When I was 4 and my parents still lived together in a costal town in Dunbar I was woken in the middle of the night by fire engines. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I went through to my parents bedroom and looked out their window and was amazed at what I saw. A beautiful old church was on fire. It was across town but the flames licked high in the sky and I remember pressing my nose against the glass, engrossed and amazed.

Time to shower and go to Mecca - The Cloth Shop.

Weird and mind fucking requests

Know how to get a cat from Gothenburg to Tallinn?

Me either.

Evil (but very nice SCOTTISH customer service agents) credit card company refuses to negotiate on the possibility that I could pay off my bill in full and knock off a couple of grand. Bastards.

Kaching!

For fuck sake has this country not got better ways of spending £800,000,000. Yes this eight hundred MILLION pounds....on changing our road signs from miles to kilometers.

Small minor landslide at Edinburgh castle at the weekend has caused people to collect the rocks and put them on ebay. Its a fucking rock. If you really want a bit I'm sure I could talk to the stone masons and get you a wee momento.

Rain, rain go away

Right. I’m going to lift this grey cloud that has formed over this blog over the last couple of days.

I use this blog for many reasons. It’s a form of diary for myself – rant and rave about my daily goings on. A place to have a good old moan and of course keep up to date with all my other loveable bloggers.

But of late, I have been using this to get some things off my chest.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m someone who mopes about all day, feeling sorry for myself and thinking the world owes me a living. I’m too much of an expert at sugar coating things for that. But at times, things do seem to fall forward in my mind. That lovely stack of information, emotions and thoughts held back by imaginary book ends. The shelves over spill, the books fall forward and off I go on a pathetic little rant.

But as truthful and depressing as yesterdays piece was. I’m blaming a good part of it on hormones. They are as stable as my Argos PVC wardrobe. But its nice to know that this time next week things will have calmed down slightly.

However I have due to fathers daily texts I have managed to knaw every nail on my fingers down to an ugly stump. I was doing so well! However now it makes taking out my contacts much less painful.

The Head Cheese is back. For a few hours anyway. I plan to speak to my line manager on his return. I don’t mind do the extra work I have been doing the last few months. But it has got to the stage they are taking the piss. I want my job evaluated and I want more money. If not I’m going to refuse to take on extra responsibilities unless its in my contract and I see the readies at the end of the month. That’s BEFORE I have attended my assertivness training. I have been told I’m too passive. Probably am.

Listened to James Brown on my way home and shook my money maker all the way up the hill.

Guns dont kill people...

This is so fucking ironic is making me laugh.

The only band out of my 10.7 days worth of constant music that is making me smile is the two songs I have by...

Goldie Lookin Chain

Oh my god. What is the world coming to.

Maybe I should by the album. Are they in the £4.99 sale yet?

What would you do if I sang out a tune

Today I’m pretty upset.

Today I’m pretty upset I could cry. I think I am. Wide rimmed glasses have small mercies.

I have realised a few things and it hurts.

Some things have come to light that I really wish should have stayed in the dark.

It’s back to the good old circle of friends groan.
I simply don’t have any.
It’s down to no ones fault (I think).
Just down to simple evolution.

Well let’s just narrow this down. My core group of friends. Fuck it I can name them. None of them know the address for this site. They are never going to find it. They don’t even know me as Pepper anyway. I like it that way.
Banjo
Gav
Mark
Jamie

Friends that I had before I moved into Edinburgh. Some are better than others. The friends who you could call day or night when you needed them. Turn about for returning calls/texts/emails was about a 2 days at most. Lucky if I get a reply in a week now.

Now things are not quite as simple. I know people move on. People get hitched or seriously involved with another half. Take up mortgages. Just progress and move on. Fuck we all gotta do that!

Its just I feel I’m the one being left behind. Behind in the sense I’m being forgotten. My life has changed too. Fucking big style on so many ways and levels. But they don’t know that. They don’t ask.

Rant and rave how great their lives are. Mine sucks without my friends.

I don’t get invited to the little dinner parties that they throw – It’s a couple’s club and I don’t have one. ‘Oh we invited Jamie & Pam and Steve & Laura’

No replies from Birthday wishes via email

When people come into Edinburgh for gigs from out with town, there is never a thought to maybe meet up for a few drinks just since they are in town and the fact I had not seen them since October (Jamie)

I tried hard with one of them. Jamie. The guy who messed with my head so much. The one who hurt me the most. The guy that I put in that temple on the Sunday night. I vowed never to worry about him and think about the hurt. It worked. It felt good.

But I saw him again. I held the olive branch and broke the year long silence between us and being ignored in front of all my other friends. We hugged and made up. The only difference between now and a year ago is I don’t dread knowing he will be on a night out. Still the same amount of contact between us – none.

Maybe I’m not as important in their life as I used to be. Or maybe I’m just conscious that when my life moves forward and changes. I don’t leave the people who has been a part of it up to then out. They don’t have a use by date.

I put a thread on our drinking site forum to see if anyone fancied Beltane. But to be honest I don’t even want to go with them now. Why should I add to their all ready full and happy life with more exciting things when I never get invited to theirs?

I’m just lonely. More lonely than I ever have been in my life. But on a contradiction my life is full of people I love. Care about. Cherish and protect. I’m busy existing in a lifestyle I never thought I could be a part of and it warms my soul.

A simple solution is screaming through these angered, heartfelt words. Get new friends.

Trust me I’m trying. I’m trying because my sanity relies on it. Its only me who feels my hands tremble. My foot twitch and my heart beat in my chest like its going to explode and being self conscious of every single worthless word that comes from my mouth. I should have carried on taking those god damn pills.

Maybe I’m jealous. That’s an easy explanation. I happy for what they all have. I’m just sorry they pushed me to the side. I always thought I was a pretty good friend.

I always carried that little candle. Not taking anything to heart. Still hoping that people will reply to my texts. Maybe invite me to that gig. Just send me that wee text to see how I’m doing.

Fuck it. Fuck all of you. It’s a hard realisation that things do change. People do move on and some things get left behind.

I’m giving up.

So stop fucking crying and deal with it.

Dink...

Ipod took a healthy drop from my bag in the lift today....not a good start to the day after watching primary bus sail by and missing my wheetabix.

Is it cos' I'm cool?

Well (sigh) I cant be arsed.

Not taken advantage of work time in a while so here I am typing this up at work for it then to be forwarded to my email address. I was productive this morning. I’m once again Captain of the Training Ship so I’m taking advantage of ‘self management’

I slept bad last night. I was cold. I could hear the mouse. I was full of self pity for some unknown reason.

I think my dad is sending some stressed out vibes to me. He is beyond himself with the final stages of selling the house. Yes its all going tits up. Why expect anything more?

I need to make a decision in the next couple of weeks in regards to the flat as my lease is up in April and I need to give a months notice:
1. Resign the lease for another 6 months – not looking a clear favourite

2. Ask if its possible to sign a rolling lease, every 2 months or so and continue looking for another pad.

3. Sign a lease up to Aug. I leave for 3 weeks for Burning Man on the 21^{st Aug}. Move back to the parentals/mates(if Mark or Jenni will put me up) for a few weeks on my return and look for a new place. Save money due to being ‘homeless’ while I’m in the states and not paying rent anywhere. It is looking a clear favourite.

Anyone have any supporting advice?

I think I have ate 80% of the Maltesers that were in the celebrations tin at work.

Walked into the office on the 14^th to find a box of chocolates sitting on my desk. Bless my boss.

Mum wants to take me away for a long weekend up North in April. If she wants to pay then I’m quite happy to be taken there. Providing I buy her a few vodka’s. Quite nice really. Before I stayed with her we used to go on a long weekend every year. Lake District, up North etc. I’m still pinning to go to Liverpool. A wee Beatles weekend would be sweet. Begger’s can not however be choosers.

I’m beside myself with Muffins news. Totally brightened up my week to hear from her. She was being a busy and important Burner for a few weeks. So putting into practice my laid back attitude…leave her be and she will contact me when ready. And she did.

Unexpected call from the Dougal. Nice to hear from that boy too.

Sunday was spent wandering around The Royal Museum. Too many ankle biters but at least they are taking an interest.

Song - Yer Blues
Artist - The Beatles

Audial Pleasure 7

Song - Cotton Wool
Artist - Lamb

Unexpected radio play. Fools Ark soundtrack....

Calling Card

Bracken - The proper dog.
Sunny G - Gullane beach my coastal refuge.

Not written much about my life at lately. Mostly because nothing much to report.

So here are some highlights/lowlights from the past week or so:

Having 3 early nights in a row. Now when I say early I mean early. We are talking asleep by 9pm. Why? I dunno. Tired? Yeah I suppose. Bored? Hmmm...there is things to do but didnt have the energy or enthusiasm. It was strange waking up and not feeling shattered. Still never managed it into work before 9 though. Big sleeps....

My cinema date turning into a night in the pub. Good music, Bombay Gin and chat but also confirmation of my first initial thoughts. Slightly too old and certainly no 'spark' on my behalf. Came back from my weekend away to find an another offer of hanging out again. Hmmm....
Ok, I am picky. Or should I rephrase that and say I dont lower my standards. I'm a lady with alot to give and dont give it away easily.
General criteria in an ideal way and in no particular order:
Interest in music.
Expressive.
Sense of adventure.
Need to see the world.
Sence of humour.

Brownie Points:
Creative.
Experimental in bed.
Cups of tea addiction.
Tall.
Massuse.

But, I have never been one of those women that need to have another half in their lives. Im independant and have never relied on anyone or need to live my life through someone else. Yes I have been burnt. Yes I put up barriers and have slight emotional baggage. I dont look for love and dont know the meaning of the phrase 'going out on the pull'.
What will be will be and in the mean time my box of tricks keeps me happy and bouncer gets lots of hugs.

Made a day glow yellow and orange tutu.

Made a burgandy and black tutu.

Slowly moving non essentials back to my parents. I really do fear a house move is on the horizon.

Got covered in playa dust while sorting out last years burning items. Mum didnt understand the importance of this.

Dont know how to tell a male friend that we are simply friends. But he can still leave me his mini rolls, oreo cookies etc when he comes to visit.

Paddled in the sea with my wellies on.

Starting my serious sell off on ebay.

New member for Brit Camp.

My package to Jamie arrived safe and sound and appreciated.

I'm writting this on a proper operating system. Got my Mac up and running.

Jump hugged my boss.

Thinking I need to make the first move and contact my cousin who I have not spoke to in almost 8 months. I now know where she works.

Drinking alot of coffee.

I'm not going to even explain how many times my dad has text me needing my help.

Drank tongue tingling red wine with Gav.

Missing my Burners (sigh)

My head cheese is in Inverness for a week (smile)

Root vegetables

Bleugh...Friday night plans fell through and not enough cash to go to the pub and join them. Hmmm...

So I raided my fridge. Found parsnips. Made soup.

Drinking white chocolate hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Ah the rock and roll life style.

Hmmm...some weed would kill the time nicely.

Just tasted soup which I invented...once again a cullinary goddess...

Filter Tips

My boss informs me I'm working too hard. Easy for him to say...not been in the office in weeks.
Dearest Boss thats WHY I'm so god damn busy.

Tension is growing in our union. Things are going great but on the other hand its all going tits up.

My credit card bills are now causing minor heart attacks.

My dads fairy lights are chilling me out. Simple yet effective.

Unexpected trip to Glasgow needed.

Needing to listen to DnB everyday?!

Booked a whole weekend to run away to my coastal sticks, I need refuge.

Thinking that a trip daaan South is needed in a few months. A weekend of face to face Brit Camp planning cant be a bad thing. Almost essential.

I need my hair cut. Straightners may save it for a few more weeks.

ESPC newspapers and talks of the house going up for sale are not welcome.

Tomorrow I'm going to annoy James. Not seen him in a while. I decided we are going to smoke and eat cereal.

A boy asked me to the cinema on Saturday. Imagination purleease! Hmmm dont have any shoes to wear.

Think I can get my hands on a sewing machine.

Glad the pictures of all my mates wee trip to Sweden last weekend didnt look too exciting.
Still think we should all go to Amsterdam. Mmmmm.....Amsterdam.....cant have it all Claire.